What is this fear

 Fear of rejection is way stronger than the fear of being alone

this combination allows for the most severe blows to my ego, every time

to be able to surpass the rejection, I have to spend so much, burn so many sacrifices

I have to beat myself up with pep talk; this time will be different, it will be good, it will be worth it

and as I focus myself on a shiny, concentrated beam of courage and self esteem, my whole being contorts and exists just for that brief moment, where I gamble my whole existence

and when it misses, as it always does, the husk remains. My shadow self, tiny speck of human

And the loop is this. How can I survive and repair myself again, after this herculean task?

I am immediately thrown in the valley of shadows and self pity, and can't stop wanting to know why

It's even worse when what accompanies me is silence. I thought that, at least, my whole being awarded at least a refusal, an educated denial, a simple no thank you

but why is it that I have no value, every time

This irrational fear, that manifests physically now without a single problem

the reason that doubles down laughing and points at my face

Why do I focus on all the wrong battles

I'm spending energy that I don't have, in things that will never belong beside me

I pride myself on my communication skills, just to be shot down at sneers

I'm barely hanging on

How can I still laugh, and walk, and live like this

crooked jealousy 

It would be so much better if you just pushed me away;

burn this leash, cut it to pieces, destroy it

please

for the love of me

let it go