Time

 Relentless

The world puts someone in your life

fate makes you interact daily, for years

routine makes the relationship flourish and deepen

one random tuesday

a curveball, a missed exit somewhere

and now, you get nothing

daily becomes monthly, and that quickly becomes yearly

the messages are losing their warmth by the minute

one day, a pending question goes unanswered for weeks

and the rot establishes

fond memories are all there is, even though the present is right here

you could, right now, stop what you are doing and send that message, call that number

but you won't

time numbed your life in ways you cannot fathom

what is important now was never important then

your brain is so confused on its priorities, you are losing people like flies

and when the courage to send that message shows up again

they won't ever reply to you

and you will know why they can't.

those tears were years on the making, you just had no time to care for them

now they are all that is left

Loveless

 What if I could just stop loving

in a quick crash, take the feeling out, boom

just stop entertaining this facade

I'm considering all possibilities now, and tending to the laziest one

giving up love

Mine is... too much. Too everything. Too broad. I can't contain or moderate it.

So, just. Stop. Let bygones be, wash the hurt and dirt, keep the pain on a painting by the living room

Remember, respect and let it wash away

no more of this insanity

this feeling was never supposed to be ours, anyway

we grew it from solitude and nothing, some tears and good moments

And we let it control our breathing

no more

love is banned

go be crazy on work, or crafts, or scribbles

when everything is hanging from the balance

shift your perspective, look at what you lost by giving too much

For one, I am so glad you are done

leave the tears for whoever fits them best

your black is better sober

Leaving you at that

 I've now been thinking

What went through your mind, when you understood what I said

Because I was a mess, and as I said before a lot of times, on words right here

That was all of me

And, I know, by the lack of responses or actions on your side

That you must not have thought anything... worthwhile

But, if that so, what was it? What do, all of me, causes on your mind?

If nothing, really, you could've just said so

I'm so used on giving up, I would, and will, never bother you again, either way

But, placate this sick mind of mine

Give me just a small reason, even if so for pity

I would really love some pity actually

Just a short no

A courteous go away

but please

something

Burn

 I am burning!

It hurts all over!

Time is passing by, faster each sunrise, and everything, all hurts

everywhere I look, I see no future

there is only people, and rage, and hate

I focus on the wrong angles

I bother with the useless things

Every step of the way, all I care, is shunned away

bless the new year

bless this new start

burn it all down to the ground

I need a rebirth

wash it all over me

let me focus on what I can

cold water to this fire

May we stop burning our lives away

What is this fear

 Fear of rejection is way stronger than the fear of being alone

this combination allows for the most severe blows to my ego, every time

to be able to surpass the rejection, I have to spend so much, burn so many sacrifices

I have to beat myself up with pep talk; this time will be different, it will be good, it will be worth it

and as I focus myself on a shiny, concentrated beam of courage and self esteem, my whole being contorts and exists just for that brief moment, where I gamble my whole existence

and when it misses, as it always does, the husk remains. My shadow self, tiny speck of human

And the loop is this. How can I survive and repair myself again, after this herculean task?

I am immediately thrown in the valley of shadows and self pity, and can't stop wanting to know why

It's even worse when what accompanies me is silence. I thought that, at least, my whole being awarded at least a refusal, an educated denial, a simple no thank you

but why is it that I have no value, every time

This irrational fear, that manifests physically now without a single problem

the reason that doubles down laughing and points at my face

Why do I focus on all the wrong battles

I'm spending energy that I don't have, in things that will never belong beside me

I pride myself on my communication skills, just to be shot down at sneers

I'm barely hanging on

How can I still laugh, and walk, and live like this

crooked jealousy 

It would be so much better if you just pushed me away;

burn this leash, cut it to pieces, destroy it

please

for the love of me

let it go

News

I have never felt, like I didn't have words for what I am feeling 

Never.

In any situation, from worst to the best ones

I didn't write the good ones, because I didn't wanna, not because I couldn't

Now, I finally got the blank slate

I have no words

My infinite sea, a desert

My full river, stopped

leaving you at that

Cru

 Esse vai na língua mãe mesmo

Raiva, raiva seca, raiva íntima, raiva nojenta

Muita raiva

Amarga, ácida, revoltante

Minha, infinitesimalmente minha

Um âmago torto, vontade minguante

Mas o que me estressa e tira o sono, é essa ironia disfarçada de alegria

Essa energia caótica com um rumo desenfreado

Esquisito toda vida, floresta a dentro, soslaio detrás da árvore 

Eu aquaplanei, pelo amor de deus

Quase fui de base

E gargalhei, ri até ficar sem ar, chorei de absoluta loucura

Cantei! Gritei!

Você me vem no fogo cruzado, 

Numa incapacidade de sofrer só 

Novamente numa vontade de aquecer 

Acolher, permear, abraçar

Mas por quê tem que ser tão difícil?

Por quê isso o que me aperta, não sana com nada

Nas armadilhas das paredes que eu mesmo ergui

Nos seus olhos embargados, nas lágrimas sujas de rímel e amargas da maquiagem

Olha a volta que eu dei, onde eu estive

Essa memória que explodiu do pré sal da minha alma

Minha psiquê, já em frangalhos, ainda colando os cacos da razão, todos tortos, opacos

Rachados mais que existentes

Mais buraco do que matéria 

A inveja, meu deus!

Que inveja odiosa

Que sensação monstruosa, roteiro de ficção 

Dramalhão banana

Quando eu disse aquelas palavras, meu mundo era tão diferente

A tradução agora é quase alienígena

Sentimentos que não existem mais, incapazes de se fazer vivos

E de todo meu pudor exposto, meu coração bélico 

O sorriso amarelo, a vergonha por trás da negação velada

Um golpe final desesperado, que falha crítica 

Quando a última carta não é suficiente, quando a força desiste

Como podemos nos recuperar? 

Como sacudir a poeira e seguir ainda, com toda dor, todas as dúvidas 

Talvez eu tenha perdido ele ali

E de alguma forma inconcebível, de propósito 

Esquecida por trás do trauma

Recuperada das profundezas por essa raiva 

Obcena

Eu te esqueci, de todas as formas

Você não existe, não da forma que as pessoas acham que eu me lembro

Mas esse sentimento que a raiva trouxe 

Essa memória que invadiu a cavidade e quase, quase expulsou ele de lá 

Foi o golpe mais baixo que eu me dei esse fim de ano

Que o seu sorriso, seja essa bandeira odiosa

E que essa raiva cínica continue me abastecendo 

A vontade que vem é de viver, de atropelar

Eu continuo rindo do abismo

Às vezes, chutando essa calma

Às vezes, preocupado

Que venha essa tsunami

Expedition 37