Ode ao coração imortal

 Em algum momento do ano de 2025, eu vi só a ponta da sua cabeça me espiando por detrás do sofá.

"Ela é sistemática demais, não gosta de ninguém"

Eu ri, e deixei você em paz. Alguns meses depois, acabei por roubar seu quarto, e me mudei pro seu lar.

"Olha, não esquenta se ela não te der muita idéia não, ela é chata assim mesmo."

E com essas palavras do Alberto, eu aceitei nossos muros, já imaginei a dificuldade que eu teria pra derrubar essa sua casca feroz.

Menos de uma semana depois, eu sentado no seu sofá, e você se arrisca a se aproximar. A um braço de distância, você para e começa a me encarar. Eu nunca vou esquecer seu olhar, me fazendo todas as perguntas possíveis, principalmente "quando você vai embora?"

Doralice. Toda vez que eu escutava seu nome, eu cantava: "Doralice lice lice, sempre alegre, esperando, alguém, que possa amaaaaar"...

Eu tive um pequeno ataque cardíaco quando você finalmente encostou na minha perna e aceitou meu carinho. Nem o Alberto acreditou na velocidade que você tinha me suportado. 

"Quem te viu quem te vê hein Dorinha"

E assim começou nossa pequena jornada. Da mesma forma que você se abriu pro meu colo, eu me afoguei no seu. Todo dia um afago, um carinho, uma reclamação de que não teve cafuné. Dormindo comigo no sofá pra todos meus filmes. Me gritando pra abrir a torneira do tanque, porque só Deus sabe porquê a água do tanque é mais gostosa que a do bebedouro. Você me cativou com mais facilidade do que eu jamais poderia imaginar. Quando eu voltei de viagem, quase 5 dias de folga, eu nunca vou esquecer o quanto você miou quando me viu. Era saudade demais; pra mim, apenas 5 dias. 

E agora eu entendo o porquê; pra você, era tempo demais. 

Eu não sei por quanto tempo eu ainda vou chorar lembrando de você. O espaço que você deixou pra trás, é uma lua. Eu ainda te vejo dormindo em todos os seus lugares. Ainda te escuto me pedindo água, me pedindo carinho, me pedindo presença. Espero que você tenha ido muito em paz, e que esteja num lugar melhor. Nós aqui estamos bastante piores sem você. 

Adeus, Dodorinha. 

There is no silence, anymore

 My body is shivering

all the time, day and night

sleep is restless, waking  is abruptly, no rest to be had

no support, no anchor, no wall to stop this tumbling vehicle

the silent permeates things that are willing

it all screams, it all pains me

when I feel I can start to relax, it all comes crashing down

It all feels alien, detached, unbelonging

maybe I was wrong to say that this heart was mine to suffer with

maybe I missed a shortcut somewhere

the road kept going and I didn't even think

now I can't breathe without banshees screaming at my face

this feeling may be up there, my most demanding

I can't stop, my brain is degrading by the second

the gears grind to a halt and go again instantly

the thump in my chest is irregular

the songs never finish, they get cut in half and skipped

I pause everything

every video, every memory, every decision

I miss

whatever I think you were

I can't be responsible for this darkness, not alone

did I make any effort at all to mend me?

I'm just a porcelain doll

broke beyond repair, but still hauntingly hopeful

hope is a word I swear I try not to use lightly

I can't escape this spiral

The energy is infinite, if I'm bent on self destructing

All the nails are back, burrowed in the recovered heart

I don't have the strength to pull them out

I am so tired of these ghosts

all the roads were dead-ends

and I braved the thorns with my bare chest

I couldn't go back to where I was, I suppose this is my map's fault

trembling in the dark

in the light

bathed in your sharpest memory

my tears dry as fast as they roll

May you find your comfort

may your soul understand your pain

may you forgive your heart, for wanting

bless you

Lesser being

It's funny to me, or I dunno, kinda ironic

that I am not at that good a place, but I'm not wanting to write

I feel as if the words don't fit

I'm overflowing emotions, but they are all nameless

accursed undead

I don't think I ever got to this point before

I mean, that I feel like I have to write, but what I need to write is...

no good?

useless?

before, I wrote for meaning, to place these words on the ground, to register, fix them in my heart

but they are all so confusing now

and the giants are screaming

SCREAMING

at my ears now

NOT FOR YOU NOT FOR YOU NOT FOR YOU

I should've grown a backbone earlier in life

should've done whatever I had to do scared

now everything hurts to think

everything breaks to act

I am so lost

so sad

and so alone

I am so fucking alone

And nothing out of my fingers make sense

even reason left

no music, no tone, no melody

my found heart is beating to the sound of silence

Parry!

 Its been two months! Even I am having a hard time believing that

and I say that because I was in a baaaad place, even worse shape, absolutely hollow living

but well, as all the mania goes, I think I'm riding the highs now

I'm starting to believe I can love again! I need love. I am a mess if I'm gonna be this needy all the time

as I type this, I can see the absurdity of it

look at this streak, I was at the bottom of the bottom of the get worse soon well

WELL

here we are, craving human touch, one more time!

astounding no one at all

but this time, as it is different every time, there is no you

there is no impossible distance

no impossible nightmare

no physical craving

I'm moving slowly and alone, through this swamp

my heart, which I still can't believe was found, aches!

Now, I will try, and again, TRY, to take this slow

and seriously take it, I'll get out more, talk to more people, put myself in danger more times

I feel deep in my heart that I should not suffer this much just for human touch, 

but if it is what it takes

for now

FOR NOW

I can handle this much. It's may! New hollow victory, new year! My body kinda feels light, I guess a lot of the bad sand leaked out, FINALLY

I'm really, really surprised this will end on a hopeful note

but yeah, if you are here and don't understand my mood swings, imagine being me

I parried the rock bottom

In vino veritas

 why do I insist

I have no backbone, for nothing else

drunk I can believe anything again

and the hope fills my drunken heart

I'm not able to even write without auto corrector

As always I have absolutely zero idea of what I am doing, or how I am doing

but this feeling

this longing

even if I shun it with all my heart

even if I'm made to believe that I'm really hollow

somewhere, somehow, its still here

roots deep and sharp as memory

I just wish I could love myself as much as I love you

Getting used

 The idea its starting to set in, now

It's not floating the void of my empty brain no more

the grip on reality is fixing, the realization materialized

I am getting used to accepting it

I can call forward all my grievances, but they just sound like electric repeating voice boxes

Its okay, it will be okay

We can manage the feelings, the situation, the world

Sadness is just a state, as are all the other dead ends

We stride and run

laugh and scream

Just another monday, amirite

Just another life

Another year, another pain

I can get used to this

Expedition 37

 Here it is

faster each year

what is different this time?

I'm not as bad as I thought I would be

I miss everything, dearly

but here we are, again, still standing, still longing, ever hoping

I can't mend what is broken, but I can hope it won't destroy me every time

I'm happy you are here with me today

I'm really happy that we, somehow, made it here, kinda alive

I'm always surprised with myself, when I dare hope

I don't think I'll ever find the source of this emotion

that blocks everything else, wakes me up, plant my feet on the ground

I belong to the stars

but my heart wants you

And I'll always regret

always

not learning to forget

here it is, for one more year

we march

Feliz aniversário, Marcelo