Dissociation

 I was watching an essay about serial experiments lain

its a deep dive on a lot of the aspects of the show, but one focus was how the dissociation of the character helped on her being 'selected'

and the talk about dissociation, how and why it happens, what the triggers and root causes are

I remembered the first time something like dissociation happened to me and I got 'caught' by surprise

we were at her home, arguing 

it was something her mother had said, deliberately to hurt us, for the sake of tiring our minds and relationship

we had had that exact same talk before, and since I played my part the way her mother wanted me too, I could not understand what she still wanted

as she was explaining to me, it instantly clicked in my mind that nothing, absolutely nothing I could do would make it better, fix, or improve that situation

on that moment, I was suddenly not there anymore

I heard her voice getting distant, my eyes getting foggier, and I remember thinking that I would prefer to be anywhere, but listening to that again

some time later, I was jerked into reality by the sound of her crying

'why are you not here'

'how could you let me handle this on my own'

'you are abandoning me when I need you'

I think that was what hurt the most, when we finally broke up

I saw that I really did give up on us, on that moment. I didn't want to work on it anymore, I saw no future on fighting that battle

but her tears, her pain, never left me

I often go back to that exact moment, where my soul crashed back on my body, and I saw the consequences of my absence

it hurts exactly the same, all those years later

and its weird, because I really don't think about her, romantically or otherwise

but the responsability that I crushed, it still haunts me

and that wrecks me the most, when I think about getting in a relationship again

what if I just, do that again

if things get bad and I see a difficult way out, what if I just decide to run away

again

and then I am thrown on the loop of this touch-starved reality, that all I wanted was a lap

but what if I get that, and become unable to nurture it

for every second that I think I fixed myself

I cut my heart on the sharpest of memories

how can I be better alone, if all I wanted was to share this shame

how can I pretend I mended this broken self if the mirror itself is in pieces

how can I not be alone, by myself

this must, end with me

Time

 Relentless

The world puts someone in your life

fate makes you interact daily, for years

routine makes the relationship flourish and deepen

one random tuesday

a curveball, a missed exit somewhere

and now, you get nothing

daily becomes monthly, and that quickly becomes yearly

the messages are losing their warmth by the minute

one day, a pending question goes unanswered for weeks

and the rot establishes

fond memories are all there is, even though the present is right here

you could, right now, stop what you are doing and send that message, call that number

but you won't

time numbed your life in ways you cannot fathom

what is important now was never important then

your brain is so confused on its priorities, you are losing people like flies

and when the courage to send that message shows up again

they won't ever reply to you

and you will know why they can't.

those tears were years on the making, you just had no time to care for them

now they are all that is left

Loveless

 What if I could just stop loving

in a quick crash, take the feeling out, boom

just stop entertaining this facade

I'm considering all possibilities now, and tending to the laziest one

giving up love

Mine is... too much. Too everything. Too broad. I can't contain or moderate it.

So, just. Stop. Let bygones be, wash the hurt and dirt, keep the pain on a painting by the living room

Remember, respect and let it wash away

no more of this insanity

this feeling was never supposed to be ours, anyway

we grew it from solitude and nothing, some tears and good moments

And we let it control our breathing

no more

love is banned

go be crazy on work, or crafts, or scribbles

when everything is hanging from the balance

shift your perspective, look at what you lost by giving too much

For one, I am so glad you are done

leave the tears for whoever fits them best

your black is better sober

Leaving you at that

 I've now been thinking

What went through your mind, when you understood what I said

Because I was a mess, and as I said before a lot of times, on words right here

That was all of me

And, I know, by the lack of responses or actions on your side

That you must not have thought anything... worthwhile

But, if that so, what was it? What do, all of me, causes on your mind?

If nothing, really, you could've just said so

I'm so used on giving up, I would, and will, never bother you again, either way

But, placate this sick mind of mine

Give me just a small reason, even if so for pity

I would really love some pity actually

Just a short no

A courteous go away

but please

something

Burn

 I am burning!

It hurts all over!

Time is passing by, faster each sunrise, and everything, all hurts

everywhere I look, I see no future

there is only people, and rage, and hate

I focus on the wrong angles

I bother with the useless things

Every step of the way, all I care, is shunned away

bless the new year

bless this new start

burn it all down to the ground

I need a rebirth

wash it all over me

let me focus on what I can

cold water to this fire

May we stop burning our lives away

What is this fear

 Fear of rejection is way stronger than the fear of being alone

this combination allows for the most severe blows to my ego, every time

to be able to surpass the rejection, I have to spend so much, burn so many sacrifices

I have to beat myself up with pep talk; this time will be different, it will be good, it will be worth it

and as I focus myself on a shiny, concentrated beam of courage and self esteem, my whole being contorts and exists just for that brief moment, where I gamble my whole existence

and when it misses, as it always does, the husk remains. My shadow self, tiny speck of human

And the loop is this. How can I survive and repair myself again, after this herculean task?

I am immediately thrown in the valley of shadows and self pity, and can't stop wanting to know why

It's even worse when what accompanies me is silence. I thought that, at least, my whole being awarded at least a refusal, an educated denial, a simple no thank you

but why is it that I have no value, every time

This irrational fear, that manifests physically now without a single problem

the reason that doubles down laughing and points at my face

Why do I focus on all the wrong battles

I'm spending energy that I don't have, in things that will never belong beside me

I pride myself on my communication skills, just to be shot down at sneers

I'm barely hanging on

How can I still laugh, and walk, and live like this

crooked jealousy 

It would be so much better if you just pushed me away;

burn this leash, cut it to pieces, destroy it

please

for the love of me

let it go

News

I have never felt, like I didn't have words for what I am feeling 

Never.

In any situation, from worst to the best ones

I didn't write the good ones, because I didn't wanna, not because I couldn't

Now, I finally got the blank slate

I have no words

My infinite sea, a desert

My full river, stopped

leaving you at that