There is no silence, anymore

 My body is shivering

all the time, day and night

sleep is restless, waking up is suddenly, there is no rest to be had

no support, no anchor, no wall to stop this tumbling vehicle

in silence, nothing stops

it all screams, it all pains me

when I start to relax, it all comes crushing down

It all feels alien, detached, unbelonging

maybe I was fast to say that this heart was mine to suffer with

maybe I missed a shortcut somewhere

the road kept going and I didn't let go of the gas

now I can't breath without the banshees screaming at my face

this feeling may be up there, with the most demanding ones

I can't stop, my brain is degrading by the second

the gears grind to a halt and go again instantly

the thump in my chest is irregular

the songs never end, they get cut in half and skipped

I pause everything

every video, every memory, every decision

I miss

whatever I think you were

I can't be responsible for this darkness, not alone

did I make any effort at all to mend me?

I'm just a porcelain doll

broke beyond repair, but still hauntingly hopeful

hope is a word I swear I try not to use lightly

I can't escape this spiral

The energy is infinite, it seems, if I'm bent on self destructing

All the nails are back, inside the heart that is back

I don't have the strength to pull them out

I am so tired of these ghosts

all the roads were dead-ends

and I braved the thorns with my bare chest

I couldn't go back to where I was, I suppose this is my map's fault

trembling in the dark

in the light

bathed in your sharpest memory

my tears dry as fast as they roll my cheeks

May you find your comfort

may your soul understand your pain

may you forgive your heart, for wanting

bless you

Lesser being

It's funny to me, or I dunno, kinda ironic

that I am not at that good a place, but I'm not wanting to write

I feel as if the words don't fit

I'm overflowing emotions, but they are all nameless

accursed undead

I don't think I ever got to this point before

I mean, that I feel like I have to write, but what I need to write is...

no good?

useless?

before, I wrote for meaning, to place these words on the ground, to register, fix them in my heart

but they are all so confusing now

and the giants are screaming

SCREAMING

at my ears now

NOT FOR YOU NOT FOR YOU NOT FOR YOU

I should've grown a backbone earlier in life

should've done whatever I had to do scared

now everything hurts to think

everything breaks to act

I am so lost

so sad

and so alone

I am so fucking alone

And nothing out of my fingers make sense

even reason left

no music, no tone, no melody

my found heart is beating to the sound of silence

Parry!

 Its been two months! Even I am having a hard time believing that

and I say that because I was in a baaaad place, even worse shape, absolutely hollow living

but well, as all the mania goes, I think I'm riding the highs now

I'm starting to believe I can love again! I need love. I am a mess if I'm gonna be this needy all the time

as I type this, I can see the absurdity of it

look at this streak, I was at the bottom of the bottom of the get worse soon well

WELL

here we are, craving human touch, one more time!

astounding no one at all

but this time, as it is different every time, there is no you

there is no impossible distance

no impossible nightmare

no physical craving

I'm moving slowly and alone, through this swamp

my heart, which I still can't believe was found, aches!

Now, I will try, and again, TRY, to take this slow

and seriously take it, I'll get out more, talk to more people, put myself in danger more times

I feel deep in my heart that I should not suffer this much just for human touch, 

but if it is what it takes

for now

FOR NOW

I can handle this much. It's may! New hollow victory, new year! My body kinda feels light, I guess a lot of the bad sand leaked out, FINALLY

I'm really, really surprised this will end on a hopeful note

but yeah, if you are here and don't understand my mood swings, imagine being me

I parried the rock bottom

In vino veritas

 why do I insist

I have no backbone, for nothing else

drunk I can believe anything again

and the hope fills my drunken heart

I'm not able to even write without auto corrector

As always I have absolutely zero idea of what I am doing, or how I am doing

but this feeling

this longing

even if I shun it with all my heart

even if I'm made to believe that I'm really hollow

somewhere, somehow, its still here

roots deep and sharp as memory

I just wish I could love myself as much as I love you

Getting used

 The idea its starting to set in, now

It's not floating the void of my empty brain no more

the grip on reality is fixing, the realization materialized

I am getting used to accepting it

I can call forward all my grievances, but they just sound like electric repeating voice boxes

Its okay, it will be okay

We can manage the feelings, the situation, the world

Sadness is just a state, as are all the other dead ends

We stride and run

laugh and scream

Just another monday, amirite

Just another life

Another year, another pain

I can get used to this

Expedition 37

 Here it is

faster each year

what is different this time?

I'm not as bad as I thought I would be

I miss everything, dearly

but here we are, again, still standing, still longing, ever hoping

I can't mend what is broken, but I can hope it won't destroy me every time

I'm happy you are here with me today

I'm really happy that we, somehow, made it here, kinda alive

I'm always surprised with myself, when I dare hope

I don't think I'll ever find the source of this emotion

that blocks everything else, wakes me up, plant my feet on the ground

I belong to the stars

but my heart wants you

And I'll always regret

always

not learning to forget

here it is, for one more year

we march

Feliz aniversário, Marcelo

Dissociation

 I was watching an essay about serial experiments lain

its a deep dive on a lot of the aspects of the show, but one focus was how the dissociation of the character helped on her being 'selected'

and the talk about dissociation, how and why it happens, what the triggers and root causes are

I remembered the first time something like dissociation happened to me and I got 'caught' by surprise

we were at her home, arguing 

it was something her mother had said, deliberately to hurt us, for the sake of tiring our minds and relationship

we had had that exact same talk before, and since I played my part the way her mother wanted me too, I could not understand what she still wanted

as she was explaining to me, it instantly clicked in my mind that nothing, absolutely nothing I could do would make it better, fix, or improve that situation

on that moment, I was suddenly not there anymore

I heard her voice getting distant, my eyes getting foggier, and I remember thinking that I would prefer to be anywhere, but listening to that again

some time later, I was jerked into reality by the sound of her crying

'why are you not here'

'how could you let me handle this on my own'

'you are abandoning me when I need you'

I think that was what hurt the most, when we finally broke up

I saw that I really did give up on us, on that moment. I didn't want to work on it anymore, I saw no future on fighting that battle

but her tears, her pain, never left me

I often go back to that exact moment, where my soul crashed back on my body, and I saw the consequences of my absence

it hurts exactly the same, all those years later

and its weird, because I really don't think about her, romantically or otherwise

but the responsability that I crushed, it still haunts me

and that wrecks me the most, when I think about getting in a relationship again

what if I just, do that again

if things get bad and I see a difficult way out, what if I just decide to run away

again

and then I am thrown on the loop of this touch-starved reality, that all I wanted was a lap

but what if I get that, and become unable to nurture it

for every second that I think I fixed myself

I cut my heart on the sharpest of memories

how can I be better alone, if all I wanted was to share this shame

how can I pretend I mended this broken self if the mirror itself is in pieces

how can I not be alone, by myself

this must, end with me