Dissociation

 I was watching an essay about serial experiments lain

its a deep dive on a lot of the aspects of the show, but one focus was how the dissociation of the character helped on her being 'selected'

and the talk about dissociation, how and why it happens, what the triggers and root causes are

I remembered the first time something like dissociation happened to me and I got 'caught' by surprise

we were at her home, arguing 

it was something her mother had said, deliberately to hurt us, for the sake of tiring our minds and relationship

we had had that exact same talk before, and since I played my part the way her mother wanted me too, I could not understand what she still wanted

as she was explaining to me, it instantly clicked in my mind that nothing, absolutely nothing I could do would make it better, fix, or improve that situation

on that moment, I was suddenly not there anymore

I heard her voice getting distant, my eyes getting foggier, and I remember thinking that I would prefer to be anywhere, but listening to that again

some time later, I was jerked into reality by the sound of her crying

'why are you not here'

'how could you let me handle this on my own'

'you are abandoning me when I need you'

I think that was what hurt the most, when we finally broke up

I saw that I really did give up on us, on that moment. I didn't want to work on it anymore, I saw no future on fighting that battle

but her tears, her pain, never left me

I often go back to that exact moment, where my soul crashed back on my body, and I saw the consequences of my absence

it hurts exactly the same, all those years later

and its weird, because I really don't think about her, romantically or otherwise

but the responsability that I crushed, it still haunts me

and that wrecks me the most, when I think about getting in a relationship again

what if I just, do that again

if things get bad and I see a difficult way out, what if I just decide to run away

again

and then I am thrown on the loop of this touch-starved reality, that all I wanted was a lap

but what if I get that, and become unable to nurture it

for every second that I think I fixed myself

I cut my heart on the sharpest of memories

how can I be better alone, if all I wanted was to share this shame

how can I pretend I mended this broken self if the mirror itself is in pieces

how can I not be alone, by myself

this must, end with me