Acopalipses

 I'm scared of writing this

Welp, the world should have ended yesterday, with all the fanfare. I also heard it was today or the 19th, but I already survived a lot of world end's, so its not as exciting anymore

I think I am struggling to put what happened since the last text here, and I still don't know why. I think I passed the risk of overflowing, but I still feel so bitter, as if there is a word I'm yet to write, a mine, and somehow the emotions are just going to explode, and I'll be thrown out of the loop for lots of pain

It is as if, if I write, or think of writing, something related to what happened, I'm locking it into stone, as if somehow, if I don't acknowledge it, maybe I'll have the opportunity to change what has happened, to make things better, and remove this bitterness from my heart

I've been doing a lot of things, super scared. I've been out of my comfort zone for the most of this year. I absolutely destroyed my walls, let whatever happen, and I'm still gluing all my pieces together. Of course it was not the best of decisions, but it was a welcome change. I really tried. I let go of my defenses trying to end this loneliness, and even though I'm still super lonely, I think I'm in a better place than before

I didn't want to, but I became a bit of a 'yes-man', to doing stuff. Hey, let's go to this place: yes. Hey, let's do this: yes. Hey, take us somewhere: yes. 

I'm throwing myself out there, for all the smallest bits of human touch. I'm so touch starved that I can't think straight.

I ended up unable of handling a different kind of outing, one which I never thought it would happen in the first place

I was. In space. Out of my damn mind. Unresponsible. And I am filled with regret, for not knowing. I don't remember what happened, just this bitterness. Despite of everyone saying I was fine, my bones are wrong. I mistook a feeling. I left an important piece of me over there. 

I can't write

This feels like a trauma response, and as I'm writing this, I think I set off that mine

How can I survive this

I thought I needed to vent, to tell, to scream for help, but its closed off. I'm completely out of my depth. The tears, again, without warning. 

At the end of the world, I brought myself back, by drowning in another life

I definitely spent a 'continue'. I was looking at the game over screen, and I chose to try again. 

As always, this is for me to handle, to grieve, to digest. Hope, one more time. 

Why, oh why, are you so far away from me