Festering wound

 I don't know.

I left it unattended, I've forgotten about it, got used to the pain, couldn't remember how deep it was. But it happened again. I feel so hurt and alone, that I have to take a step back. Did a turn I should absolutely not have, my feelings were getting everywhere, I was drowning on myself again, full of self-pity and stupidity, fake smiles and wrong intentions.

I sincerely, don't know

I have a knack for letting things go out of hand and touch, to escalate so much inside my mind I have no option but to cut it off like a corrupted limb. A cut with a burning knife, hoping to not let it fester again and hurt like this again, AGAIN. I am used to running away at the sight of trouble. As soon as the music of feelings I can't digest reach my eardrums, I turn back and run. This knowledge of cowardice has changed me. I have been trying to fight it, trying to read it better for other people, but I have found that, in this, I will be alone. 

I have no intentions of letting this go. I will drown on this bitterness myself. I won't drag, I won't dare drag another soul with me for this. I feel like crying at the minor inconvenience, and once this dam opens, I don't know how long I'll have for it to stop. The pain is sharp against my chest, I can feel every heartbeat, bleeding out, crying tears out of my veins. This loneliness will kill me. I will not dare to face it. 

I've never before dreamt about so many strangers. People I have absolutely never seen before in my life, dragging me around, looking at me, disgusted, pointing fingers and ignoring me. I don't know these faces, I don't know these feelings. My dreams are now a plate for the unknown, and if I can't find rest over there, I have very few ideas of what I will be able to find. Each letter I press, I can feel my heart getting bigger, like a forgotten child at the store, looking around for someone, something, anything familiar at all. The despair rising with every moment,  lungs getting emptier, eyes getting cloudier, voice getting weaker, raspier. 

Will I be able to survive this day?