Dreams

 I am inside this spiral again. I don't know what happened. I never know what is happening. Around me, inside me. When I try to pinpoint when or how this change happened, I just feel this loss. My brain has long since failed me. I can't remember things no more. Nothing sticks. I am a walking chalk board, losing progress as I go, losing memories, feelings, important living stuff. Words fail me, situations confound me, reactions scare me. I live, less and less, on this planet. I am at a low point. Thought I was not going to be here for a while. Every time a high happens, the lows still surprise me. The highs are becoming faster now, and the lows are becoming constant. Of all the things I ever did to try and escape the lows, this time is when I am choosing to do the least. Every time a thought appears, that maybe tries to shine some hope on what I should do, or where I should go, I shun it. My batteries are getting low, and charging it is becoming impossible. Life as it is, does not appeal to me anymore. I am broken on so many places, my insides are just sharp edges and old blood. I am unable to see, or to seek, more than this. I am scared. I am frightened. What if this is it? What if my heart finally gets tired of being scared? Who I am doing this for, because clearly, it is not for me. I barely am, as it is. Less than few, specks of dust. I feel bad, but I have no way out. I can't see forward. Heart is heavy on this words, but as I type, nothing changes. I am not relieving myself, by exposing this dark matter anymore. What worked before, its just not doing it. I'm still treading this frozen lake, and I feel every crack, the ice is the thinnest I ever walked. I feel like I gave up ages ago, but I keep walking. I keep going to somewhere, trying to find the smallest of resting places. I am done. I don't wanna walk no more. Just cut the ropes, puppeteer, please. This doll has had more then its share of enough.  

Waterfall

 I am leaking

my heart is full

after all, a hollow can hold up infinite souls inside their void

full of nothingness, bitterness, fear, delusion, disappointment

every waking moment has been this nightmare, still

I am awake, this is happening; I am feeling this

reminder; pain; reminder; pain; reminder; pain

I am trying not to go there, not to think over there

I have been unsuccessful

when I am not writing, I am leaking this emotions, wild and hurtful

in a spiral bloodlust that demands answers I don't even have the questions to

You are in the middle of it, of course

I put you there. 

I needed a target, a reason, a motive

and its a weak one, I must confess

all this blind wanting, all these illusions, everything that is piercing my core

If I let them, my fingers will write until I die

I leak words, and I have been overflowing for a while

this bitter sensation is awful, it presses against my throat, bangs against my neck

screams: let me out, let me go, unhand me

where would I let you go? to whose deaf ears would you cry to

My self is dry. I am parched. Stardust, specks of recognition, humiliation

this ugly jealousy

of what, what for, who for

I am

a walking corpse

too lazy to be someone

too proud to become nothing

too eager to finish this race

longing for love, touch, forgiveness

wanting to be needed

fleeting kindness

smallest of blessings

"...into your darkness we all fall..."

What do I do with this?

 I have this now

I have no idea what to do with this

its useless to me, or anyone for that matter

it just hurts, it constricts my heart, my chest feels like exploding any minute now

but it doesn't 

reality checks it in place, but the feeling is still there, I just have to focus on anywhere else, for an instant

my chest tightens, I lose all my air, I think of your voice and everything tumbles around

churns and sinks and questions, why why how again what how why why why

I was not made to be normal

was not made to love normally 

I have been so empty that drops fill me

and I wanna drown on those drops, die on them

I would march this desert for days, weeks, months

for your smile

the tiniest bit of your attention, one 'I missed you'

you are not real

why does my heart makes it so

I am alone in this

why do I have to feel this way

I don't deserve a speck of happiness

I don't deserve this at all

I am unbecoming of being human

I can't function properly

I simply am not able to live 

normally

I am trying to discharge this feelings, relief my heart, I am suffocating, coughing, my lungs are full of rage, hate, delusion and escapism

para for what, para for who, para when

One of these days, something will happen, something has to break, so much sand will leak, I'll flood the outside of my universe

but for now, I have to keep going like this

a step, a heartbeat; suffocating, exploding, drowning

I think, and I am pretty sure, I would've loved the hell out of you

I don't know how to be less

never learned how

but I could not care for this package, as you just wished I did