Dreams

 I am inside this spiral again. I don't know what happened. I never know what is happening. Around me, inside me. When I try to pinpoint when or how this change happened, I just feel this loss. My brain has long since failed me. I can't remember things no more. Nothing sticks. I am a walking chalk board, losing progress as I go, losing memories, feelings, important living stuff. Words fail me, situations confound me, reactions scare me. I live, less and less, on this planet. I am at a low point. Thought I was not going to be here for a while. Every time a high happens, the lows still surprise me. The highs are becoming faster now, and the lows are becoming constant. Of all the things I ever did to try and escape the lows, this time is when I am choosing to do the least. Every time a thought appears, that maybe tries to shine some hope on what I should do, or where I should go, I shun it. My batteries are getting low, and charging it is becoming impossible. Life as it is, does not appeal to me anymore. I am broken on so many places, my insides are just sharp edges and old blood. I am unable to see, or to seek, more than this. I am scared. I am frightened. What if this is it? What if my heart finally gets tired of being scared? Who I am doing this for, because clearly, it is not for me. I barely am, as it is. Less than few, specks of dust. I feel bad, but I have no way out. I can't see forward. Heart is heavy on this words, but as I type, nothing changes. I am not relieving myself, by exposing this dark matter anymore. What worked before, its just not doing it. I'm still treading this frozen lake, and I feel on every crack, the ice is the thinnest I've ever walked. I feel like I gave up ages ago, but kept walking. Going somewhere, trying to find the smallest of resting places. I am done. I don't want to walk anymore. Just cut the ropes, puppeteer, please. This doll has had more then its share of enough.