What do I do with this?

 I have this now

I have no idea what to do with this

its useless to me, or anyone for that matter

it just hurts, it constricts my heart, my chest feels like exploding any minute now

but it doesn't 

reality checks it in place, but the feeling is still there, I just have to focus on anywhere else, for an instant

my chest tightens, I lose all my air, I think of your voice and everything tumbles around

churns and sinks and questions, why why how again what how why why why

I was not made to be normal

was not made to love normally 

I have been so empty that drops fill me

and I wanna drown on those drops, die on them

I would march this desert for days, weeks, months

for your smile

the tiniest bit of your attention, one 'I missed you'

you are not real

why does my heart makes it so

I am alone in this

why do I have to feel this way

I don't deserve a speck of happiness

I don't deserve this at all

I am unbecoming of being human

I can't function properly

I simply am not able to live 

normally

I am trying to discharge this feelings, relief my heart, I am suffocating, coughing, my lungs are full of rage, hate, delusion and escapism

para for what, para for who, para when

One of these days, something will happen, something has to break, so much sand will leak, I'll flood the outside of my universe

but for now, I have to keep going like this

a step, a heartbeat; suffocating, exploding, drowning

I think, and I am pretty sure, I would've loved the hell out of you

I don't know how to be less

never learned how

but I could not care for this package, as you just wished I did